I have no patience and the one or two "restoration projects" I did try turned out the same as pretty much every elementary school art project I ever attempted: a hot mess. Upon joining the Zero F*cks Club, one of the first things I learned about myself is Pinterest projects are not my game. Join the Zero F*cks Club and just live your life. Free yourself from the chains of Pinterest and the notions about what constitutes a good mother. But if you're just doing it because someone else is doing it and she's doing it because she saw it on Sarah Jones' Pinterest page and everyone knows Sarah is the best mom on the planet. If a talking cake baked around a stuffed animal you hand-sewed yourself is what gets you off and makes you feel alive as a woman and a mother then GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF.
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Oh my god, the Pinterest pages chock full of all the perfection in life that you will never attain. With your ideas and your suggestions and your finger-pointing and your Pinterest pages. A million Aunt Ednas and a couple money-grabbing 'experts' who write books and then live for giving soundbites to CNN and Today to promote said books are making up the rules and perpetuating them and making you feel less than. Who's making up the rules? You know who's making up the rules? Other dumb a**es who don't know sh*t. Wait, so I can never smoke a joint again because I'm a mom? Oh, I CAN smoke a joint, I just can't admit it publicly or I'm an unfit mother? What about alcohol? No at playdates, yes at a party in my own home? Even if my kids are present? I can't let my kids play outside anymore unless I'm there? Can I be drinking wine at that time? So confused. I'm doing it wrong if my kid still sleeps in my bed? Wait, he was never supposed to sleep in my bed? He's supposed to be potty-trained by when or I'm an abject failure of a parent? I've permanently damaged the light of my life if I do it this way? OK. Wait, what? CrossFit is the way? That's the thing? Well, alrighty then. Oh, we're going this way now? Gluten is bad? OK. A massive herd of cows wandering around, bumping into other cows. Look for the gems that make sense to you and toss the rest. Don't discount everything, there may be a few gold nuggets in Edna's dirt pile because she's lived a few decades longer but don't assume. Not even your mother-in-law or your Great Aunt Edna who cannot shut up with the advice. Truth is, nobody knows what they're doing. The people who think they know everything are the most dangerous. They don't know more, they just do a better job faking it. The people who hit the highest highs in life are the ones who fake it better than the rest of us. If more people knew enough to know they don't know sh*t, the world would be a far better place, believe me. Basically, I know enough to know I don't know sh*t. Also: I have no f*cking clue what I'm doing. The thing about it is quite simply this: I know what I'm doing. I've got a few things to say about being a woman/mom/ex-wife and whatever other titles the world has bestowed upon the various stages of our fair gender.